Presence

I want to write about presence today; in fact, my intention for the day is to cultivate presence. I have been so wrapped up in what I cannot do that I almost forgot to stay connected to that contentless space that simply observes. Today, I wanted to go back to it, to sense it and be grateful for it, to feel that everything that is happening has a purpose, and it is intended to maintain this newly found, awe-inspiring sense of connection. I feel like I am leaving everything I know behind, and the changes are so overwhelming that they are bringing out old patterns. I am struggling to maintain the flow of inspiration and creativity I have been cultivating during the last year, and sustaining presence is proving to be a hard endeavour. I find that it requires more focus and determination than going through the motions in a meaningless job. I want to get out of my head, but the changes and the level of uncertainty I am putting myself through may not allow for me to be fully present; I need to acknowledge that, but how can I cultivate it? How can I make sure that I stay with it, that I still sense it beyond the mind chatter and the panicky reactions of my angry mind?

Swimming is my favourite embodied practice. I am not very sporty, and maintaining a physical exercise routine and a healthy diet is a challenge for me. But I can sustain a swimming routine because it gives my body a sense of childish joy that I do not find anywhere else. I have been swimming this morning, and because I am not working, I was able to swim at a time when the pool was practically empty. I was able to swim at a very slow pace, focusing on breathing and stretching the strokes. In between a set of lengths, I did some stretching and yoga poses inside the water, and I was (mostly) able to get out of my head. I really focused on staying present, feeling the body, a slight pain in my shoulder, the stretch in the stroke, and the breath. It was extremely refreshing, and I am maintaining the intention of being present throughout the day. Presence opens us to witnessing where we are, and from that space, we see everything we can be grateful for. I have been given an extremely valuable gift. I can spend time some time finding myself and trying out ways to live that are more expansive and creative. My main issue, after a week of leaving my job, is money. I suppose it is difficult to give up materialism so suddenly. I am really struggling with the fact that I will not be able to sustain my comfortable life and that I will be eating my savings without a clear idea of how to build something that will give me enough to live. In the world we live in, this seems like a big ask, but I am lucky enough to have the means to try, and I want to stay with that. I want to be present in the opportunities before me and thankful for the world of possibilities that it opens up despite the sometimes unbearable discomfort of uncertainty.